jackalog

i just discovered i’d sent someone an email with the sign-off:

take cars,

ann

“take cars“??!! oh, great! they probably WILL, and they’ll tell the arresting officers that it was I who put them up to it, so i will be arrested as the master-mind of a big auto theft ring or something! (the hoopla over grand theft auto must’ve surreptitiously stolen into my brain, despite my abhorrence of such “games”). anyway–to whom it may concern: please do not take cars. i repeat: do not . . .

i’ve been working away on pendants–forming, firing, glazing. dropping, breaking.

went to the hills on sturday to gather firewood with family members. it was fun. lovely day in the mesas of new mexico. of course, i fell on my butt at one point. my monthly tribute to st vitus. or someone. and now my knee hurts mega again, even though it received no impact during the fall. it’s such a baby. this knee. it seems as though every time i fall, it gets “hurt”, even though it’s not directly impacted. the time i fell in golden corral, i landed on both knees on the concrete floor, and both knees were obviously pretty damaged; they’ve never been “right” since that fall. but it was the right one that received most of the impact, yet it is my left one that feels hurt whenever i fall since then. i know a doc would try to make me have knee surgery, and i know that such surgery is a never-ending process, throughout which one is an invalid. so i don’t go to a doc abt my knees. but soon i will have to “move into” the guest bedroom at our house, because i won’t be able to make it up the stairs to our room at all.

today i will probably continue glazing pendants for a ^06 fire. Louis may replace the thermocouple on the idiot kiln so that i can get some fairly predictable results from it.

kittens are tearing the house apart–i ain’t even gonna try cleaning house ’til they are out. django is almost as big as her mom, who is coming into heat again. “more kittens?!”

nope.

we watched sweeney todd . . . the other day. i can’t decide what i think of it. it was well done, of course, and i consider it a quality work of art. but did i like it?? (one thing i always notice abt movies/tv where someone gets a throat cut–they never have the person making that “air hunger” noise that people with cut throats make. i wonder why).

take cars,

ann

have the kiln firing to cone 6 today, with the switch box and controller from my previous kiln (thanks, hunny!). we’ll see how that goes.

the wind was a bitch again last night, waking me several times from an otherwise sound sleep.

yesterday i put background foams on the shadow-boxes for the ann*ifacts. i had done them before, but all in black. this time, i said, “i am about color, so it’s gonna be color backgrounds.” i like them. i need now to photo them for website.

Louis has continued on his royal louis boat:

  deux louises royales et beaux

[if you know french and the above is incorrect grammar, please forgive me!]

the kittens are getting huge and tearing my house apart. i have to put them outside occasionally because they get on my nerves with their rowdiness and destructiveness. [pics some other day].

gonna immerse myself in studio-work for the next while, so i probably won’t be blogging much. with all the pendants (save 30) ready for color-glazing and firing to cone 05, i’ll be pretty busy! i need to get ‘hold of some APT II nrg to help the color glazes stick to the fired porcelain. i’ve inquired of new mexico clay if they could get some in so i could buy it. so far they have not responded.

one of these days Louis and i are going on a clay-hunting expedition. dig up some dirt so i can try it out as a “clay body”.

so so eager to get to the china-painting part of my job. if i focus this week on getting the color-glazes done, it won’t be long at all before i can get back to painting.

have a few new drawings begun. for some reason, they all seem to be indians (native americans).

i’m sure that most of you dear readers could not sleep last night, awaiting word on results of the latest firing. well, to put you at ease, i will report that it went well. the pendants are lovely.

it took even longer than the last time, however, so this evening i want Louis to replace this new switch box/controller board with the old one that worked fine [fingers tightly crossed].

are you reading this, hunny? got a hunny-do for tonight!

no, he’s not reading it, because he’s in the field today. where the wildcats do prowl. he has seen a bobcat out there, and a few times has seen mountain lion tracks in his own footprints when he has revisited an area. he’s being stalked, it seems! he says that often when he’s out there, he senses that “someone–or something” is silently observing him. when i worked in the field, i always had the feeling that i was being watched. no, i took for granted that i was being watched. because i had been around pipies [pronounced “pie-pees”] who sat in their trucks with binoculars, watching for “girl arkies” to pee. [”girl arkies”, of course, refers to female archaeologists; i returned the favor of implied insult by coining the term “pipies”. so there! i should’ve called ‘em “boy pipies”, but with 2 exceptions, every pipie out there was a boy, so the gender was pretty much a given. still, “boy pipies” is so demeaning! i love it!].

this morning i coated 23 more greenware pendants with 3 coats of clear glaze for a firing tomorrow. i may go ahead and roll out the final (until i draw more images) 30 today. or maybe i’ll work on drawings. i’ve a few started, but i’m in the mood for different ones than those.

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kittens?–they’re starting to use the litter box now, and it’s so cute–little tiny cat-poops.

i’ll spare you a picture of the poops.

another cone 6 fire today, which in this caldera kiln is 2190 deg F. whatever–it seems to be doing the job. the pendants are coming out beautifully.

just cannot get back into house-cleaning. i have art to make, dammit, and cleaning house just doesn’t do it for me any more. really may have to do the santa fe thing and hire. (i mention santa fe only because, unlike any place i’ve ever lived, where hiring a house-cleaner is optional, in santa fe it appears to be de rigueur [or however one might say that in spanish, which would be more appropriate in this context].

i am watering trees today. and i will water houseplants and do dishes and clean floors. but the dusting . . . sheesh! just thinking of it makes me sneeze. don’t think i’ll go there. (and i hate myself for it. for being such a damn’ slacker).

been having a bit of a manic attack, i think. obsessed with my work (not house-cleaning!), hard of sleeping, talk a lot and loudly and fast, not much interested in eating. gonna up my dosage of fluoxetine for a short time, ’til i stabilize.

y’know, recently i tried (once again) going off the medication. because i HATE taking drugs. and i realized that when i’m off “prozac”, i feel too damn’ REAL. i feel so organic. it’s as though i am aware at all times of the meat of myself–the blood, guts, the bones. i feel tied extremely closely to the earth. i feel as though i’m on the earth–the ground–the dirt. in a fetal position, even. i’m on a very short leash–a very short umbilical cord from the earth. i can’t turn over and look up. i am just wallowing there in the placenta of the earth. permeated with the smell of fresh blood and membrane.

crying . . .

pics, for those in need:

  a fuzz-cluster

  more of the same . . .

i’ve another i’ve been trying to get photobucket to upload, and for whatever reason, it won’t. maybe i’ll get it on here tomorrow.

a lot of people say that a blog connected to a commercial website (jackalope jewels, e.g.) should remain professional. it should be only about the work, the product. and so i bore you with endless recounts of how many pendants i rolled today, and what cone they will fire to, and what a piece of crap my kiln is, etc.

on the other hand (my own, pretty much), some folks think that anything that “goes into” a product is interesting to a potential customer. that the thoughts and feelings and experiences that inform the product pieces are part of the pieces.

it’s a tough call, because both “camps” are equally vociferous in expressing their opinions. as i say, i am mostly of the latter camp: i always want to know more about the person who makes a handmade thing–that, to me, is the very thing that makes handmade more interesting and valuable than mass-, machine-produced.

in college i was admonished to disregard the artist and look only at the art. when, for example, i questioned how d.h. lawrence could write so profoundly and movingly from inside the soul, it seemed, of a woman–and yet, in life, be pretty much a misogynist. “you must divorce the art from the artist”, i was told. but still–it makes it so much more interesting to me to know of the dichotomy. it enhances my appreciation of what is a human being.

or maybe it’s because i am at heart an anthropoligist. i just like to dig into the inner workings of a person. i like to explore the mysteries of individual existence.

whatever it is–when i see or read or hear a work that i absolutely love, i am compelled to find out all i can about the individual who created it. their loves, hates, experiences, pains, joys, jealousies, obstacles, relationships with other people, physical condition, religious and philosophical beliefs–what kind of home they live in and where it was/is, why they did/do what they did/do instead of something else–in fact, what they would have done/do if they hadn’t done/didn’t do this creative thing.

but that’s just me.

and some other people who share my proclivity for nosiness.

but how do i know which tack to take when writing this blog? the people who think it should be all about the work and the product say it’s “unprofessional” to get personal in y’r blog.

maybe i’ll break the blog into categories–one about the work, one about the humans, and one a soapbox. oh, and one about kittens.

[no pictures]

i have far too many pictures of the kittens to deal with. they need editing for the internet, you know, and i don’t have time to do that.

yesterday while i was emailing, the laundry-room door opened. i couldn’t imagine who could’ve got past the dogs and the security system; i said loudly, “hello??” no reply. i waited. more little noises over there in the kitchen. “HELLO??” no response. i was about to get up and go in there with my ladysmith ready for action. just then, i heard Louis’ voice–”hello!”–and in his hands was an enormous bouquet of multicolored flowers! in a red vase! a multitude of species, a multitude of colors–whew! very nice!

then he went away, back to work . . .

while the kiln was firing, i tended my headache. Louis had given me a benadryl when he was here, and i hoped it would put me to sleep, as all medications do. it didn’t, really–not until late afternoon, anyway. and it didn’t touch the headache. but while i was asleep, i felt no pain.

the pendants i fired yesterday are good, with a couple of exceptions (my bad, not the kiln’s). eager to get to china-painting them, but i want to continue rolling and cutting blanks while i still know how.

my little kiln fires 16 china-painted pendants at a time, so i was doing these in batches of 16. but, as i mentioned before, there are phases of the process that could be done all at once, like mass production, and it’s more efficient for me that way. and with my little progress forms/check-lists, i can keep track of how many of each size and shape i will be needing. for example, for sassing woman, i’ll need a large oval, for tipi, a small circle, for table by a window, a large square, etc. so at one time, i can roll and cut the blank for every pendant i know i will be making over a period of several months.

i can also incise the backs (with simple designs that refer to the image on the fronts), then clear-glaze, then fire en masse. not sure of the maximum number of pendants i can fire to cone 6 at one time, but it’s a lot. 30, maybe. maybe more.

after the cone 6 fire, the process becomes a bit slower, because i can only fire 6 or 7 color-glazed pendants at a time (they have to be hung rather than lain flat, and a hung pendant requires a lot more space than a lying one).

so today i will smooth and incise more blanks, then roll and cut some more.

my birthday.

it’s so odd to me that i walk around with this head full of things, but one HUGE thing that’s not in here is it’s own death. probably the most profound event of this head’s existence is a complete blank to itself. there is no whisper in here of when or how or where this head (and all appurtenances and appendages thereto) will cease conscious, incarnate existence.

it has no glimmer–no hint–of an idea:

-whether its death will be sudden or after prolonged illness

-whether it will be aware as it is dying: “i am dying. this is It”

-whether it will be aware of pain during death. if so, whether the pain will be aching, gnawing or burning, excruciating

-whether anyone else will be involved in its death–either as cause or as mutual participant or as bystander. and, if anyone is involved, who it will be

-whether it will be feeling cold or hot or wet

-what its last experience of smell will be. or of taste. or what will be the final thing its eyes see.

-if it will be noisy and chaotic

-who will know about the death and be sad. or who will know and think, “so there!” or who won’t know and will wonder, “whatever happened to that ann chavez woman?”

-what its last thought will be

-what things it was conscious of doing without realizing it would be the final time . put socks in a drawer . . . let ludwig out of his box . . . have lunch with Louis . . . watch 30 rock . . . drive to aztec . . . post on the blog . . .

________________________________

so today i’m firing the final (??! really “final”?!) 7 color-glazed pendants in this batch of 18. yesterday i rolled and cut 53 pendant blanks. smoothed and incised 8 (broke 2 while doing this). good to be back to work.

today would be house-cleaning day, but: 1.) i have a huge headache, and 2.) it’s my birthday. so i may not clean. (hope this doesn’t make me get “out of the groove” again). but i will water plants and take out the trash and the recycling and the compost.

i think i’m gonna re-string that last necklace (not today). i’m just not happy with it.

i’ve been firing the colored glazes onto the latest batch of pendants. the kiln over-fires, but the glazes aren’t that sensitive, it seems, at least not on the scale of jewelry pieces. so i go.

i made a form (i’m a big form-maker. it’s like lists, which i also do a lot of. [it’s that darn’ ol’ virgo in me–my mars and saturn there in my third house].)–a progress-tracker for the pendants. i already made a form when i first started doing the “ann*ifacts”–that tracks the plan for and progress of all my handmade components–pendants, ceramic beads, glass beads. this new form is just for the pendants–shape, size, have i rolled and cut them, have i incised the backs, have i clear-glazed the fronts, done the first (cone 6) fire, color-glazed the backs and rims, fired the color-glaze (cone 06-05), do i have each of my drawings printed at the correct size for tracing onto the fronts, et cetera . . .

Louis had a sinus/allergy headache akin to a migraine yesterday. he cleaned off the patio, weeded and watered the yards despite the headache. he drives himself too hard. always. that’s who he is. on saturday, he mostly worked on his life-size pontiac, with a few “time-outs” to work on the–uh, rigging, is it?–for the royal louis. it’s this infinitesimal thread-work–weaving, sort-of, then gluing the weaving so it stays in that shape when he attaches it to the boat. sheesh! but if he weren’t crazy, he wouldn’t be married to me!

i strang [remember–i know that’s not a word, but i use it anyway] an ann*ifact. three times. i didn’t like either of the first two versions–too much color for the “theme” of the pendant. i only barely accept this third version, but it’s final. i think. high lonesome/moonlight mesa ann*ifact:

i did a version of this image on ceramic, painted with pebeo “porcelaine” paints and called it moonlight mesa. i did a computer-printed version in the fine-silver frame and called it high lonesome. i don’t know which it really is. probably the latter.

today i am rolling and cutting more pendants–i did 10 yesterday, have 4 to go for this batch. BUT i’m considering doing a BUNCH of rolling/cutting at a time, as i forget my best process if i don’t do it for awhile. and then i’ll do a bunch of cone 6 fires, then a bunch of color-glaze fires, etc. sorta like mass production. although i’ve often thought about the fact that one of the things i love abt this job is that it’s so varied–that when i get bored with clay, i can do glass or china-paint or stringing.

the thing abt watching “survivor” as an anthropological study of group dynamics, though, is that it’s totally set up. it’s a defined game, it’s televised, and the ultimate goal (win money, is it?) is concrete and specific, unlike a lot of the hidden, subconscious “goals” of a random group in the real world. individual members of a real-world group think that much of their behavior is covert, unobserved. they think they’re pulling the wool over everyone else’s eyes–that they’re fooling folks (but the only folks they fool are fools). they don’t think that their motives are identifiable to other people (but they very often are identifiable, of course, especially to anyone who’s a chronic observer of people).

network tv, anyway, is becoming more and more juvenile. we only get network, with “rabbit ears”. they are removing my favorite shows one by one, and i’m ’bout done with tv altogether. but last night i did see a cuppla things that i felt were pretty edifying: one was abt “la sistema” in venezuela–a program whereby economically poor children are educated in the performance of classical music; the other about “what females want and males are willing to do”–the various phenomena of sexual selection among animals, birds, insects, etc. both pretty interesting things to learn about.

now to the studio . . .

[no pictures].

y’d think after, oh, about 12 hours of expressing itself at this level of intensity, the wind would collapse from utter exhaustion. but it hasn’t, and we’re going on 36-48 hours. I am about to collapse from exhaustion from the expense of psychic energy required to defend my mind from the wind–the energy required to force myself to want to keep living and being conscious while the w . . . i . . . n . . . d . . . . . b . . . l . . . o . . . w . . . s . . .

as a trained anthropologist, i’ve found it interesting to observe group behavior. group dynamics. if i could bear to sit in front of the boob tube long enough and frequently enough to “get into” the show “survivor”, i’d probably be fascinated by the insights i’d gain. but i “watch” discussion forums on the internet instead, because at least folks on those are talking about things that interest me. art, creativity, philosophy, etc.

i keep thinking i’d like to write a play like “everyman”, only it would be “everygroup”. it would have the stock characters that every group has, and the plot and subplot would be the situations that every group encounters/creates. it is amazing to me how these things play out as though inevitable–and the participants seem to be unaware of the dynamic and their place in it!

they go about their little trips as though it’s real life and truly significant in some way, and to an observer, it’s a little ant farm. or bee hive. with its queen bee and workers all busily humming about, frantically doing what they seem programmed to do. “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing” (gotta love that shakespeare! talk about an observer! talk about writing a play!).

thank God and Louis for giving me the opportunity to have art therapy! my home, my studio, my animals are my sanctuary. my home on this hill allows me to remain above the fray. to create in the privacy and solitude of my own enormous world. (yes, i am also a stereotypic, “stock character” in the play–i’m the misanthropic, self-absorbed, rebellious curmudgeon who refuses to be a joiner–refuses to “participate”).

sometimes i think i may be becoming too solipsistic. i listen to those who say that an artist must have interaction with other creative people to get a true perspective on his/her place in the scheme of things–in the larger world; that one needs a “touchstone” to keep one conscious of objective reality–to keep one humble. and so i join.

groups.

and the only enlightenment i get from my interactions with groups is an affirmation of sartre’s famous assertion: hell is other people.

if there were a group of honest people–confident of their own talent and its value, without jealousy, egalitarian, supportive, altruistic, etc, i could do it. i could be a happy joiner. but–you show me that group, and i will show you the end of the world as we know it.

when i get embroiled in group dynamics, it saps my energy, my spirit, my creativity. it takes something away from me–something vitally important. it contributes nothing positive to me or my life or my art–it edifies in no way. it just depletes my resources.

so i’m really glad i have my Art to save me. when i’m making art–alone–i am filled with joy and light and life and love. i have abundance.

and the bees just want to come poke me and drain me of all of that.

but some people are really nice.

___________________________________

so now i’m off to finish what i’d almost completed yesterday–the glazing of the pendants. i’d wanted to finish it yesterday and fire today, but i was under the weather last night (under the wind). don’t think i’ll have time to fire today. this will be this idiot-kiln’s first cone 05 fire, so we’ll see how that goes.